Improving the quality of your relationship with your partner

Read Time: 5 minutes

Research shows that couples who stay in successful relationships tend to follow specific behaviours that contribute to their success. These successful behaviours can be summed up as expressing interest (that is, treating your partner like a good friend), being gentle in conflict and repairing negative reactions.

TOOLS YOU CAN USE

To help you improve the quality of your relationship, you may like to try some of the following:

Expressing interest (treating your partner like a good friend)

  • Make an effort to understand what your partner is going through day-to-day (e.g. “Has that part you needed arrived yet?”, “How did that paperwork go?”)
  • Ask questions to show your interest. It is damaging to forget to check-in or ignore their attempts to connect with you. Open-ended questions about how your partner is feeling or thinking are best (e.g. “How are you feeling about the season ahead?”, “Tell me about that fencing job you did today”)
  • There’s more to life than work (and detachment from farming is an important coping strategy[1]). Connect with your partner on outside interests and activities, or things you can do together.
    [1] Thompson, R.; Hagen, B.N.M.; Jones-Bitton, A. Tractors, Talk, Mindset, Mantras, Detachment, and Distraction: A Mixed-Methods Investigation of Coping Strategies Used by Farmers in Canada. Sustainability 2023, 15, 8566. https:// doi.org/10.3390/su15118566

Being gentle in conflict

  • Everyone reacts to conflict differently. You may make decisions quickly or be willing and able to change your mind easily, whereas your partner may take a while to make up their mind and hold their thoughts quite firmly. Despite your differences, remain respectful of your partner and listen
  • If you are fighting, focus on the way forward – not on blame or criticism. Avoid saying this like “you always do…” or “you never help with…”
  • People in successful relationships tend to stay positive in conflict and treat their partner with respect, interest, acknowledgement and good humour (even when they disagree)
  • Avoid criticizing, putting your guard up, or acting as though as you are better than your partner
  • We cannot always avoid conflict – but make attempts to repair relationships, when everyone has calmed down
  • Keep arguments about issues; don’t personalise the problem
  • Remember that no one can change yesterday. Focus on how to make today and tomorrow better (not on who to blame for yesterday)
  •  It’s okay not to get things right the first time. Everyone makes mistakes! One of the best things we can do to move past conflict is to talk directly and openly about the issues at hand, even if it takes a few tries to get the conversation “right". Never compare your partner unfavourably with someone else - everyone comes with their own set of strengths and weaknesses
  • Never threaten your partner
  • Never accept violence, instead make a plan to safely remove yourself from that sort of situation

Repairing negative reactions

  • Although it is often difficult to admit to a mistake or that we might have been in the wrong, it can be helpful to take responsibility, even if it is just for part of a problem
  • Be quick to say sorry
  • Remember that conflict can actually strengthen relationships and give you the opportunity to learn how to love your partner better
  • Feelings of closeness, acceptance and safety are always important in a relationship. Do what you can to foster this.
  • Trying to notice the things your partner does right (rather than wrong) can help

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